Polk County hayfields and yards are not the only dry spots in these parts. So is column material for yours truly.
It’s not safe for friendships to write truth about politics, it’s too sad to write about tragic boat rides or armed robberies, and I just don’t feel the urge to write about turning 65 years old next week, other than to acknowledge that the idea of Medicare seemed really appealing until the card actually arrived in the mail and I was holding it in my hand.
Suddenly, it hit me. I’m officially old and this card proves it.
So, enough about that. It’s time to drag out the alleged Rodney Dangerfield jokes shared with me by Jim Sterling two months ago, edited down to those that are almost safe for community newspaper consumption.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor; it was self-service. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was she was the one coming home. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early." My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk to me during love. Last night, she called me from a hotel. I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway." I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night, he went on the paper four times; three of those times I was reading it. One year, they wanted to make me a poster boy for birth control. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.